As if the world wasn't in the shitter enough these days, I've just read that Hardy Myers & Co want to get their laws and paws on the joy that is SPARKS.
NOOOOO!!!!!
Per the Willamette Week, the upcoming introduction of Sparks motherfucking RED has got some bureaucratic panties in a bunch for the safety of America's teens. A bunch of attorneys general [not "attorney generals"; you're welcome, Mr. President] wrote the following:
Adding caffeine and other stimulants to alcohol is particularly dangerous because these additives tend to reduce the drinker's perception of intoxication and promote the delusion of drinking and functioning without impairment.
Yes, we know, and consider it the holy grail. Sparks Blue is my very favorite weekend-evening-having-a-drink-while-jamming-out-and-putting-on-makeup beverage! How could they take this away from me?!? I'm an adult and this shit is legal so keep it on the shelves! AND WHAT IF SPARKS RED IS EVEN BETTER THAN SPARKS BLUE? I NEED TO TRY IT!!!
I understand that their concern is the ease with which the youth can buy it, but I made it through my underage days and now deserve a peppy boost of energy and alcohol. And although I in no way support alcohol being sold to minors, uh, guys, don't you think that America's youth might need a refreshing break from pondering the doom that may be their future? Not condoning, just sayin'.
Ladies and gentlemen, keep supporting the availability of Sparks at your local grocers and convenience stores and booze-related education of our youth so that this wonderful, amazing, and delicious beverage gives us hangovers for years to come.
Confidential to WW: TILT sucks.
Also, thanks for the tip, buddy.